Survival Guide: First 7 days of a Breakup

Hey all!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am currently going through a really tough break-up. It has been a little over a week and day-by-day I get a better handle on growing out of love. I think with acceptance and knowing that there is no hope of a future romantic relationship, the process moves along. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely still love this man, however, the nature of the breakup means that there is no way that we can be together, and even if the initial factor changes, I cannot trust him as a partner to protect and choose me. (He didn’t cheat; we were part of an inter-faith relationship, which he no longer felt he should continue).

There are still days that I cry, after all it is part of the grieving process that follows the ending of any relationship, romantic or other wise. Here are a few tips on how to survive the first week of the break-up.

1. Cry! Cry, scream, shout let it all out. Don’t be afraid of the ugly tears and screams. You will be feeling completely destroyed and distraught and would do anything at all to ease the pain or to stop feeling entirely. When that thought pops in your mind I urge you to remember, that the best way to get over the pain is to push through it. It is in these moments that you build your strength.
2. The best way over isn’t under. Your friends are probably telling you to go out on a date, see someone else and that “the best way over is under”. I have done this in the past and can assure you that if you truly want to heal and grow as a result of this breakup, then a rebound isn’t the answer. Allow the process to happen and you’ll be amazed by the person you turn out to be.
3. Write to them. I’ve been writing emails addressed to my ex ever since the break-up and truth be told each one has a different tone. The key to email/ letter writing to your ex is NOT to hit send. If you want to feel like you’ve sent it out, do what I did; create a dummy email account that you send everything to. My advice is to never let him or her read it, but that’s up to you.
4. Give time time. It’s simple, like Leona Lewis said “It all gets better in time”.
5. Practice self-care to avoid allowing bitterness to take root in your heart. Whatever makes you feel better do that thing, and do it a lot. You don’t want to send angry texts that are out of character for you that you may regret later. Vent to your friends and therapist to get over the hurt and the anger. If you hold on to it, it will hinder your growth. For me, prayer has helped tremendously throughout this process.

 

I hope you enjoyed these five steps. Oh one more thing, if you’re going to be friends with your ex make sure that the friendship is defined and that you clearly state your motives. If not, you may find yourself confused, or they may misconstrue your questions or even your friendship as something it isn’t.

 

What are your go to tips post-break up? Let me know in the comments and I’ll give a few of them a try and let you know how they’re going in a follow up blog.

 

Thank you as always for reading. Till next time, Be Brave, Be True, Be you!

-Liz

To Heartbreak

I think we’ve all been there. The sickening feeling that washes all over your body, which threatens the loss off all the food in your stomach that you, have consumed from the dawn of time. The feeling that makes your entire body simultaneously feel light as a feather and heavy as a ton of bricks. The entire relationship comes back in flashes. You replay every conversation in your mind till nausea and pain causes you to roll into a ball screaming for it all to stop. Maybe you’re confused and want to reach out for all those coping skills that you used before. Maybe it’s the pain pills, alcohol, weed, or maybe that razor blade. Maybe you want a pain stopper, or something that’ll let out all the pain. Your heartaches in ways that you didn’t know was possible or forgot that it could.

If you’re lucky you’ve probably cried yourself into exhaustion and for a brief moment, your mind can rest easy forgetting the pain that you are in. Or maybe you’ve talked and screamed yourself into temporary numbness. Just for now, you don’t feel it as badly as you did before until the sun rises again and your feet hit the floor and the memories wash all over you. Another day to live through your worse nightmare, the one that they promised would never come true.

 

(It is currently day 6 of my most devastating breakup, this was originally written on day one. There may be more posts to come as I work through the heartbreak and pain.)

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!

Till next time, Be Brave, Be True, Be you!

-Liz

Passion

Chicago River (North branch)

Passion is a very interesting word; or rather experiences have made the word passion interesting. It is not onomatopoeic however it has a similar reaction. Just stop for a second and focus on the word, what pops up in your mind? If you’re like me you’re probably having a visualization of the word, maybe color splashing and even fire works. If you focus long enough on the word it will excite you, and perhaps even ignite your spirit as you reconnect truly with what it is that drives you.

I love the word passion, there is something about a dream that drives you, that pushes you through the mundane and propels you to work to the highest of success. What I find most interesting about passion though, is its likeness to a fire; it needs constant refueling to keep burning. Sometimes the tank is on empty and you want to give up on the thing that you have been working your entire life for. How do you find the energy to constantly refuel that fire or even harder still, rekindle a flame that has long since blown out?

In my experience there are three things that can help

• Self-care: Take some time to care for you, recharge your mind, body and spirit.
• Be mindful of the company you keep: Those around us impact us. Surround yourself with persons who are passionate and driven (doesn’t have to be the same interests as you.
• Patience: Overnight success is the product of long nights of hard work. Give time time!

Find your passion and surround yourself with passionate people but don’t forget to take care of yourself and to give time time!!

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!

Till next time, Be Brave, Be True, Be you!

-Liz

 

1. Sorry for being MIA, I got sucked into completing requirements for my MA degree, however it’s officially over!

 

But It Is IMPORTANT!!

“But it’s important” she argued back, the last syllable of her sentence trailing off into exhausted defeat. If you looked long enough into her eyes you’d see her exhaustion from trying to get the world to see. In one-way or the other she had been screaming to the world to everyone and to no one in particular, that it were important. She knew it was important, she knew that if everyone just stopped, just for long enough, they’d see it too. She stared desperately back at her friend, willing her to see that it were important. She sucked in a sharp breath, and willed herself to keep an easy tone, she reached out for her friend’s hands and quietly said to her “I need you to know that you are important, you have value, you deserve to love yourself. It is important for you to love yourself”.

***

We’ve all heard the mantra of self-love and its importance and we often encourage our friends and loved ones to love themselves and preach that they deserve love, but what about ourselves? Are we as kind with our bodies, our minds and our spirits? When was the last time that you did something for yourself, which reflected self-love? I’m just as guilty and sometimes the process of seeing yourself as deserving of love is so emotionally draining that we often want to run away from it all. BUT IT IS IMPORTANT! It is important to love you, to love yourself, for us to love ourselves. It’s a journey that will drive you to the brink of insanity and then propel you backwards so many times that you will often feel like giving up. The trick here is to remember that it is in the journey that you find yourself and love your self. I know its cliché but true!!

So love yourself and remember that you are important and deserving of love!

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!

Till next time, Be Brave, Be True, Be you!

-Liz

‘Mental Health Mondays’: Trauma & You

In my Things to Come post I promised that I’d be posting about mental health and also global issues/ crisis. Today, I decided to merge the two to focus on the impact that events around us can have on us. Three very important concepts are Trauma, re-traumatization and vicarious trauma.

If you’ve read the news at all this week then you’ve heard about the worst mass shooting in U.S. history. You’ve probably also heard about the Stanford rapist who walked away with  a ‘slap on the wrist’ for his convicted felony. I could go on about many more disturbing events, but I think it unnecessary to do such. What I’d like to direct your attention to is the influence that these events can have on you. You see the thing about such occurrences is that it has a rippled effect. Persons who had first hand experience become traumatized (e.g. survivors in the night club), persons who’ve had similar experiences become re-traumatized (e.g. past rape survivors) and helpers, readers like you and I experience vicarious trauma. (I will be sure to explore trauma more fully in a future post).

So how do we take care of our mental health? Here are five was to self-care:

1. See a therapist! I know, you’re probably thinking “I’m not crazy” or “someone else had it worst than me”. As an intern therapist  I’ll tell you this, each person is unique and your mental wellness is important! Take care of you! Therapy can be costly, but some insurance companies cover the cost of therapy and there are also community agencies and private practice therapist who work on a sliding scale! 
2. Talk to someone! Okay so I haven’t sold you on the idea of a therapist (yet), but it’s important to talk about what you’re feeling and experiencing. Call a friend, speak to your family, religious leader, just talk. There are also many online chat rooms that you can check out. RAINN has an excellent online sexual assault support network.
3. Do something mindful. Mindfulness is paying attention on purpose and loosing your self in an activity. Now I don’t mean numbly and mindlessly watching T.V. for hours. I mean doing something that will rejuvenate you, like coloring mandalas, writing or doing something creative for example.
4. Move. Moving about can be an excellent way to self-care, be it a run or at home yoga, getting your body moving and your synapses firing, is an great way to self-care.
5.  Take a bath. Sounds rather simple, but it works, it relaxes you and self-care has a lot to do with feeling at ease and relaxing. Wanna kick it up a notch? Light up some candles, play some relaxing music and meditate!

Thats five folks! Rest assured that I will be revisiting the self-care topic in the near future.

Let me know if you’ve tried any of these, if you haven’t leave me a comment with your favorite self-care activities I’d love to hear form you.

 

Thanks for reading and please take care of yourself. Till the next time, be brave, be true, be you,

-Liz